EPISODE 46 – YAHOO-YAHOO!

I have observed over time that in Nigeria, we have a group of specially-coined informal expressions that are made up of double words. For instance, we hear words like jedi-jedi, jolly-jolly, chop-chop, talk-talk, lie-lie, thief-thief, copy-copy, follow-follow, play-play etc. You can add to the list if you prefer. I wonder if such expressions would lose their flavor if the first part is left plain without being repeated. For instance, why do I have to say, “Why you dey copy-copy?” when I could easily say, “Why you dey copy?” Well, that is what’s been handed down to us so who am I to try to change it now? After all, I no be changey-changey”. Lol. Meanwhile, what comes to your mind when you hear the expression ‘yahoo-yahoo’?

Sometime in 2002, Nigeria was listed as the second most corrupt country in the world and we remained in the top echelon of this list for the most part of that decade. Of course the indices used to determine this included the activities of the nation’s public sector and obviously the activities of its citizens too. As at December 2011 however, Transparency International ranked Nigeria somewhere between 40^th and 45^th on the list and today, Nigeria is said to be 130^th on the list if the media reports are to be believed. Personally, I am rather surprised at this development because I strongly believe the corruption in our nation has gotten worse. Perhaps more nations have gotten more corrupt since then and surpassed even our record.

During the last five years of the last decade, the activities of some people came to national and international awareness. These people have over the years successfully ‘scammed’ millions of Nigerians and foreigners and milked them of lots of money, thereby causing them untold hardship – financial, mental and emotional. These people are known as the ‘Yahoo-Yahoo boys’. They still exist today although their activities have been toned down to a great extent due to the watchful eyes of the EFCC, Interpol and other agencies set up to checkmate their illegal activities.

By April 2007, I was practically going insane with thoughts of my impending status change. I often wondered how I was going to survive being a father if the pregnancy period alone had such an effect on me. BG and her family hardly helped matters with their incessant demands and due to the fact that I did not want any of my parents to be burdened with any financial obligations as far as BG’s pregnancy was concerned, I bore all the responsibilities. However, I soon realized the pressure would kill me soon.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, I received a call from my friend, Sam. For a moment, I was scared to answer the call. It wasn’t as though we never spoke anymore but at that moment, I had crazy thoughts running through my mind. Was Sam aware of the situation? Had someone by any chance briefed him that his former girlfriend who was now dating his friend had gotten pregnant? Was he going to laugh at me? Was he going to condemn me? My head was about to explode when I summoned up courage to receive the call.
“Hey Sam, what’s up?” I said into the receiver in the calmest voice I could muster. I listened carefully to figure out if his response had any suspicious undertone.
“Geebee! What’s happening? Where are you, dawg?” Sam said in a most cheerful voice.
I relaxed a little. He didn’t sound unusual. That was a good sign, I decided.
“At home,” I answered.
“Can you come over to my end? There are some things I’d like to discuss with you.”

My heartbeat accelerated. Oh shit! He wanted to discuss ‘some things’ with me. He knew! I began to wonder how on earth he could have gotten to know about BG’s condition. It was a well-guarded secret. Even my closest friends were unaware of the situation. The only people known to me that were informed about the situation were BG’s sisters – Cher and Mrs. Oki – and my mom. BG was far away in Mrs. Oki’s place. So who could have told Sam about it? I decided I would not subject myself to unnecessary ridicule. If my friend wanted to berate me, he’d better come do it on my own turf, I decided.
“Why don’t you come over to my end?” I suggested.
“I would have loved to come but there’s one ‘runs’ I just got introduced to and I think it would be great if you were in on it as well. There’s good money involved, bro! The place where it’s gonna happen is just around my place.”
Had I heard him right? Good money was involved! I was definitely interested if it was about money. I needed all the money I could get before BG and her family drove me nuts for good! I wondered for a second if Sam was simply tricking me into coming over. It hardly seemed the case. I shrugged and decided to find out for myself.

An hour later, Sam and I sat with another guy in an internet café.
“Geebee, this is Presido. Presido, meet Geebee, my brova from another mother.” Sam had said when he introduced us.
Presido briefed us the about money-making scheme. He informed that we were going to sign up on some online dating sites posing as females and try to lure white men to fall in love with us and before long; we would be making some cool cash. The plan sounded ridiculous. How was I to pose as a female? I wondered. Presido seemed to read my thoughts as he opened a website on the computer screen before us. There were a good number of photos of extremely beautiful girls. The girls were so hot that I could almost imagine being with anyone of them just for a night.
“This will be you.” Presido said, clicking on one of the photos. Another page opened and a profile of the model he had clicked on was displayed on the screen. We saw about fifty more photos of this model and each photo was equally breathtaking.
“You’ll have to register a new email address specifically for this purpose and register with a dating site and save all the photos of this model. Once you catch your man, he will ask you for pictures every now and then and you would keep sending him any of these ones.”

Presido went on to explain how the process works and by the time he was through, my mind was made up. I was down for this. He informed us however that we were going to give him 50% of each of the first three payments we got from our ‘magas’ (A prospective victim was called ‘maga’). At that time, I wondered if I was ever going to even get one ‘maga’. Sam renegotiated for 30% and Presido agreed eventually. All that mattered to me at that time was giving the idea a shot and hoping I would be lucky.
“So, what do you think?” Sam asked as Presido left.
“Mehn, this is risky, don’t you think?” I said.
Sam laughed. “Bro, life itself is a risk jor! We need to get rich or die trying like 50 Cent.”
We laughed briefly. “Hope you know EFCC has started raiding cafes and picking up people involved in this kind of stuff,” I warned.
“Bro, take a look around you. Everyone here is a ‘Yahoo-Yahoo’ boy!”

For the first time, I looked around the café and noticed everyone busy on the computer systems. There were about thirty stations in the café and the people all seemed to be busy doing one thing or the other. I allowed my gaze wander from station to station and noticed people working with email extractor software, signing into modeling sites, dating sites and chatting on Yahoo messenger, Hotmail messenger and all other mediums. No one seemed to be doing anything legal. What in the world was I doing here? I wondered.
“The owner of this café himself is a top ‘Yahoo-Yahoo’ boy”, Sam continued. “The man has made money like crazy and in fact he’s contesting in the forthcoming Local Government elections.”
“Really?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“Yes bro!” my friend stressed. “This café is covered. The man has ‘settled’ all the authorities that could ever give us trouble. Presido told me that.”

I sighed. I knew I was about going into something crazy but I was convinced at that moment that I didn’t have a choice. I also realized I could well be on my way to achieving the highest level of financial comfort I could ever dream of. I had noticed a good number of flashy cars parked outside the café. The cars obviously belonged to the café’s patrons and I could just imagine myself owning one of such in no time. Besides, Presido had assured Sam and I that what we were about to do was just a tip of the iceberg. I recalled his words:
“For now, you guys would be making like five hundred dollars or thereabout per deal but when you get into the real thing, you could be making as much as five to ten thousand dollars per deal or more depending on how smart you are.”
Those words kept repeating themselves in my head for a good while.
“So what do you say, bro?” Sam asked, interrupting my thoughts. “Are you in?”
“You bet!” I said, stretching out my hand. He shook it vigorously.
“That’s the spirit, bro! Let’s start right away.”
We went to work on different computer stations and that was how I began my journey into the ‘Yahoo-Yahoo’ world. Every iota of skepticism I had about the idea was instantly banished when I made over three hundred dollars in my first week!

SEE YOU IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES.

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EPISODE 45 – ASSESSING THE IMPLICATIONS

While it would easily pass for an obsolete cliché, the popular line: ‘the only constant thing in life is change’ remains eternally true. Change is one of life’s constants and with every instance of change, every one affected often has to make adjustments to fit into the change. A typical example would be the need to put away your thick winter clothes during summer in exchange for lighter clothes. By the next winter however, the same thick clothes that were abandoned become most needed. Many other examples abound and cut across virtually every sphere of life. In science, change is referred to as metamorphosis where organisms find themselves evolving from one form to another all in a bid to adapt to their new situation. As humans, we make similar adjustments every single day.

It is also important to note that the level of adaptation people have to make in time of change varies and strongly depends on the situation one needs to adapt to or the personality of the one who needs to make such a modification. For instance, it would be foolhardy to compare the adjustment one has to make to a situation of a broken relationship or courtship to that of a divorce after 10 years of marriage or the loss of a much loved teenage son or daughter. The levels of adjustment definitely vary and emotionally stronger people tend to make such adaptations more easily than their weaker counterparts.

By March 2007, I had resigned to fate and realized I was going to be a father sooner than I could have ever expected. BG was already almost five months pregnant and for the first time, her slight baby bump was visible. Thankfully, my mum had stepped in and saved me from almost being forced to get married to her as her sister had proposed. The agreement seemed sensible enough but to me, it was still rather scary to imagine what was happening. In spite of the fact that my mum and BG’s family had reached a compromise on how the situation would be managed – BG was to spend the remainder of the duration of her pregnancy with her sister and relocate to my mum’s with the baby once it was born – it still felt like a dream to me. One way or the other, I had become tied to BG and I knew the implications. It was unlikely I was ever going to marry any other woman as things were. I knew my mother and her staunch principles and coupled with the fact that BG’s sister had earlier broached the subject, it was obvious I had made my choice as far as they were concerned.

I looked back over my life and realized I could be falling victim to my greatest fears. My parents had separated when I was barely nine years old and along with my two brothers, I had grown up with a skewed mindset especially regarding relationships and I always wished I would make the right choice in marriage once and for all. I constantly told myself that I would never see my children go through the same situation my brothers and I passed through – a broken home. I told myself further that I would get married to the perfect woman and have the perfect marriage and I knew the possibility of such was dependent on careful planning and decision making process. BG’s pregnancy had thrown spanners into the plans as far as I was concerned. I had always liked her very much and probably been emotionally attached to her as well but never for once had I considered the possibility of getting married to her. I had my specifications for my perfect woman and detailed criteria such a woman had to meet. I was hoping to meet a woman who would be at least 5’ 7 in height (I was about 6’ 1 and BG was barely 5’ 2). I wanted a woman who was a writer as well, who loved books and who had a passion to make a strong mark in life. Basically, I wanted a woman who would complement and challenge me on all levels. BG was none of these and it hurt so much to think that such a woman who hardly measured up to any of my standards was the one who was carrying my baby. She was hardly my type.

I began to brace up for how I would survive the next four months as I prepared to become a father. The guilt of my actions and the uncomfortable situation I had placed my parents in weighed heavily on my heart and I decided I needed to handle my responsibility in every way I could without adding an extra burden to them. This decision was further influenced when Mrs. Oki began to pester my life with phone calls to send money to get my ‘wife’ registered for ante-natal care. I managed to secure the funds without involving my mum. Soon, she began to frequently request that I send more money for BG’s upkeep.
“Hello Geebee,” she would say. “BG needs to eat fresh vegetables and you know I am just an ordinary teacher.”
“Geebee, the money you sent the last time is exhausted and your wife does not have transport fare to go for her ante-natal this week so do something.”
“Geebee, I understand you only sent two thousand naira. It’s not enough o! Maybe I should call your mother if she can help.”

The calls were endless and irritating and I began to wish I had denied the pregnancy and saved myself all the stress I was being made to go through. It was obvious this woman was not even willing to consider that I had done the honorable thing and accepted responsibility for the pregnancy; something most guys my age would never have done. Besides, I wondered if she was oblivious of the arrangement that had been made regarding the situation. She was only expected to take care of her sister for the remaining four months of the pregnancy. Was she even considering the fact that after the baby was born, my mother would begin to bear the responsibility? Her demands began to take its toll on me and the situation made me despise BG and her family to no end.
“BG, why is your sister frustrating me?” I asked angrily one day.
“How do you mean?” BG asked in the most annoying tone I could imagine.
“What’s the point of all these unnecessary demands?” I lashed out. “Have you people forgotten my mother is still going to bear the greater responsibility after this baby is born?”
She was silent for a while. “There is nothing I can do, Geebee,” she said eventually. “Remember she’s housing me. Let’s give her some credit at least.”

I was infuriated. BG was asking me to give her sister some credit because she was going to house her ‘pregnant sister’ for a paltry four months? What nonsense! Was blood not supposed to be thicker than water? So what was the big deal in what she was doing that she would hound me with stupid demands? I had to roll with the situation however because I could not risk Mrs. Oki having to call my mum to make such ridiculous demands. My mum would be incensed if she were to dare raise such an issue. In fact, I was sure my mum would be livid if she found out that Mrs. Oki was asking me for money for her pregnant sister’s upkeep. I wondered if this woman realized I was just twenty-one and a ‘boy’ who could hardly take care of himself. At the time, I had a little job as an Office Assistant at an Art Gallery and I also wrote stories for a romance magazine. All the money I earned was barely enough to sustain me and the added responsibility was bound to kill me sooner than I could imagine. I realized I had to find some other way to make extra income. I was still in my search for an alternative source of income when Sam, my old friend introduced me into a line of business that he assured me was the easiest way to make money in those days. Sam, by the way was indirectly responsible for my predicament. It was through him that I met BG in the first place. I could not even imagine telling him that BG was pregnant. All that mattered to me then was that he was about to introduce me to some money-making scheme. As regards my telling him that I had gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant, I decided we would cross that bridge once we got to it.

SEE YOU IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES.

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EPISODE 44 – SEALING MY FATE

Macaulay Culkin, the child star of the ‘Home Alone’ fame got married in 1998 at age 17 and the marriage lasted for about two years before he and his wife separated and were eventually divorced in 2002. Shortly after, he had another relationship. They never got married but the relationship ended after about eight years. What point am I trying to make here? Why did Culkin’s marriage end at such an early stage? Could this be due to the fact that he was probably not ready at the time he got married? Why didn’t he marry the next woman he dated for eight years? Could this be due to the fact that his previous marriage had a bad effect on his outlook on life and marriage? I am not in the position to proffer definite answers but the options are surely worth considering. Statistics dating from the 1980s have shown that only one in eight early marriages actually last beyond ten years. The early marriage in this context refer to marriages at age 23 and below for men and age 21 and below for women. Well, there are exceptions of course but hey, majority always carry the vote, right?

I would not begin to condemn the fact that some people decide to get married at a rather early stage in their lives because let’s face it; age is just a number (as a lot of people conveniently say). Besides, maturity is usually not a function of age. I have seen nineteen year olds who are far more mature in thinking than thirty year olds but then again, that is one of the few exceptions. My conclusion is that before you get married, you should be emotionally ready for it. As folks would say, marriage no be beans! It is a serious issue and needs to be considered as such. God designed marriage to entail a lifetime commitment and not just something we go in and out of at will and therefore, before such a decision is taken, both parties need to be very sure they are ready. Marriage by convenience or compulsion is perhaps the greatest mistake we should never make and for those who have made it, roll with it (or get out fast!)

When Mrs Oki broached the subject of BG and I going to the marriage registry to legalize our union, I could sense the selfishness behind the idea. I was just twenty-one and obviously not at all ready to take up such responsibilities. She did not even bother to ask me if I loved her sister or if I was willing to go all the way. All she cared about was that some guy had impregnated her little sister and he must face the consequences by marrying her. Did she realize this was 2007? I wondered. We were not in the seventies or eighties any longer. Life had gotten much more sophisticated and such sentiments hardly mattered anymore. I realized I was being blackmailed into marrying BG because I had gotten her pregnant. I was glad however when I was able to tell her sister that we could not take such a step at that time.

I later related the situation to my mom on phone and her initial response did little to allay my fears.
“She’s right, Geebee,” my mom began. “You will have to marry her.”
I was stunned and unable to speak for a while. “Geebee?” she called, apparently in a bid to confirm if I was still on the line.
“Yes mom, I’m here.” I said.
“I said she has a strong point,” she added. “You got the girl pregnant and that’s the logical thing to do.”
“But ma, I am not ready for that now. I have not . . .” I defended but she cut in before I could say more.
“You should have thought about that before you went down the road of fornication.”

I was silent again. That was the first time she had condemned me ever since she learnt of the situation and at that moment, it took all in me not to break down into a sob. I could imagine how hurt she had been since she heard the news and how much it had taken for her not to get mad at me until now. By the time she spoke again, her voice had a different tone. I could sense she was struggling to hold back from weeping.
“It is well. I’ll come and see her family next week,” she said on a final note and ended the call without a farewell greeting.
I had been happy for a while since she had accepted the situation and hardly taken time to think of how she must have been feeling but at that moment as I sat, I realized yet again how much pain I had caused my mother. I broke down and wept bitterly.

True to her words, my mom traveled down the next week and accompanied me to see BG’s family. The venue of the meeting was Mrs. Oki’s house. Mrs. Oki had invited three other family members as well. I later learnt from BG that they were yet to inform her dad of the situation. Apparently, the man had been sick for some time and such news would have done more harm than good. Throughout the meeting, I sat down with my head bowed and did not utter a word. BG sat at another end of the room, striking an identical pose of sobriety. It was enough tension for us being present in the meeting where our fate was to be decided. Mrs. Oki gave a quick summary of the situation and made her stance on the matter known again. One of the women present then asked my mother what she had to say on the matter. I lifted up my head, hoping my mom would not go ahead to sell me out to this people by agreeing that I marry the girl I had impregnated.

My mom proved to be a life-saver yet again. In a most calm and respectful manner, she let the family understand that the two people in question were just kids who had made a mistake and equally shared the blame and while we deserved to be made to suffer for what we had done, there was a need for judgment to be tempered with mercy. She added that allowing us get married at that stage would do more harm than good especially considering how long we still had to go with our academics and careers.
“But he has destroyed her career already,” one of the unknown women cut in. “She has no career anymore thanks to your son but he is the man and he can continue with his life? No, he must marry her!” she added. Mrs. Oki nodded in agreement.
I wished I could slap the taste out of the unknown woman’s mouth but of course, that would probably have been the end of my career too. I wondered what my mom would say.
“I am not saying he won’t marry her,” my mom said. “All I am saying is; it is too early for that. We as their mothers need to help them.”
“I am just a school teacher and I have my own children to provide for,” Mrs. Oki said pointedly. “I don’t know what you mean by helping them.”
For the first time, I understood where the ‘marriage issue’ was coming from. These women were not ready to bear any burdens of an extra baby and wanted it out of the way as soon as possible. I sighed inwardly and decided Mrs. Oki had just added an extra coating to my loathing for her.

Eventually, it was resolved that BG would stay with her sister during the duration of the pregnancy until the baby was born and then, she and the baby would go and live with my mother where she would nurse the baby until she was able to return to her studies. I realized at that moment that my fate had been sealed. I was going to have to marry BG after all sometime in the future. Judgment day was bound to come. It had only been postponed a little further. I thought about my father and wondered if I wouldn’t have to break the news to him somehow. After all, I was going to make him a grandfather soon.

SEE YOU IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES.

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