THE GOD CALLED 'SHIT'

Yesterday I had an experience I wouldn’t like to have ever again. I woke up around 3 am with a terrible tummy ache. A forced belch jumped out of my mouth and the resulting stench made me feel as though I had eaten seven rotten eggs. Alas, I was experiencing a terrible constipation. I felt a clearly audible rumble in my tummy and rushed to the adjoining bathroom. I jumped on the toilet and my buttocks had scarcely touched the cold ceramic bowl when I emptied my bowels of whatever was making me so uncomfortable. I remained there for about ten minutes feeling more relieved by the minute. Then I washed up and returned to bed. By 7am, I had repeated the trip three times already and I knew it wasn’t going to be a funny day!

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My skinny body frame had always been a source of concern for me for sometime now. Of course, I’ve always been slim but my assumption had been that as I grew older, I would put on some weight and alas, most of my colleagues back in college and university who had similar body sizes as mine have since added up considerably. However, I have somehow maintained my boyish skinny frame. I’ll be 30 in a month and I barely weigh 70kg. Worse still, I maintain the worst kind of diet I know. Food just doesn’t appeal to me. I could go a whole day without eating anything solid and I wouldn’t feel a thing. In fact, my wife has turned my case to a prayer point.

Recently, I decided to fix this issue permanently and so I did some serious research on a number of nutrition sites online and got some prescriptions. I began a 30-day plan and yesterday was Day 4. One of the medications was to boost my appetite for food and I think things went a little too far yesterday and I exceeded my body’s food intake limits, hence the constipation.

I kept running back and forth from the toilet and in spite of my eating a semblance of the popular ‘Agege bread’ and taking extra doses of Flagyl to stop the incessant stooling, I continued to visit the loo. In fact, I almost shit in my pants as I drove back home from work later that evening. It was a very narrow escape and if I had been five seconds later than the time I hit the toilet bowl, I would have done the unthinkable. The experience reminded me of some previous episodes I had many years back – experiences that made me agree without any doubt that shit is no respecter of persons and could pass for a god in its own right. It could animate you, constrain you, influence you and do whatever to make you do its very own bidding regardless of your age, gender, social status or even political affiliation for that matter.  Let me relive these crazy episodes:

 

2005

I was about twenty years old at the time and in my second year in University. On that fateful day, I had experienced some tummy trouble in the morning and taken good time in the bathroom to pass out all that needed to be passed out earlier in my room before proceeding for lectures. I was a few minutes away from the lecture hall when I felt a severe pang hit me again. It felt like I was going to give birth to a baby in that instant.

“Oh God, help me!” I muttered to myself as I stood still for fear of taking another step lest I mess myself up right on campus with hundreds of people watching.

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My legs suddenly felt extra heavy as I calculated how long it would take me to climb up the stairs to the nearest toilet facility which was about two floors away. The thought of the state of that toilet repulsed me. Truth was, I had never used the toilet on that floor before. The only time I ever ventured in, the state of the place had been so terrible that I turned back and endured till I got back to my room off campus. However, this time, enduring was totally out of the question. I was more than ready to sit on maggots if need be just to save myself from the impending embarrassment.

On my wooden legs, I took slow steps and gradually made it through the first floor. By now, I was sweating so profusely that anyone would imagine I was wearing an explosive jacket underneath my clothes. I looked ahead and I estimated that I had about fifty footsteps to make it to the toilet. However, fifty steps felt like a million steps at that moment. Suddenly, someone called out my name. I shook and quickly caught myself. I surpressed a fart that seemed determined to force its way out of me. Allowing a fart at that point was a huge risk I couldn’t dare take.

Okey, a course mate bounded up the stairs behind me.

“How far, Geebee. You sef just dey show?” he asked excitedly, hitting my behind casually with his back pack. I could have died right then. In an instant, all hell was let loose and the fart erupted carrying with it a good dose of excrement. The hot feel of fresh poop on my bare behind was convincing enough. Ironically, I felt lighter and better too. I winced.
“Guy, you don make me shit for body.” I managed to say, wishing the ground would just open up and swallow me right then.

My coursemate looked at me as though I had told him I was carrying a bomb. He backed away slowly as his eyes wandered to my ass.

“Oboy! You dey serious o!” he mouthed, trying hard not to burst out into a bout of laughter. The look of amusement on his face was so annoying and if only I could at that moment, I would choke him. It was his fault as it were. Why did he have to hit me with his pack?

I nodded shamefully as I passed my books to him. “Abeg escort me reach toilet” I quickly said as I tried to walk as fast as I could. I could feel the thick slob threatening to force its way through my boxers on to my pants. The smell was beginning to spread through the air and I spotted some girls approaching. I began to walk faster hardly noticing the eyes that had begun to trail us as we made it to the second floor and headed towards the toilet. Okey had to call my deputy class governor, Chi, a cute lady I had been eyeing for sometime to help me get water to wash up because the water system in the toilet had stopped.

When she brought me the water, I was standing in my messed up boxers but I didn’t bloody care. The surpressed grin on her face and her attempt to shield her nose from the smell didn’t even bother me.

“Look! Shit is no respecter of persons o!” I told her as I gratefully collected the bucket of water. “I can imagine!” she said, still trying hard not to laugh. “Sorry about this.”

“It’s okay to laugh. I won’t be angry.” I said on a final note as I shut the door.

I would bet she almost laughed herself to death that day! After that day, I could never muster up the courage to even talk to her about how I fancied her. The shit episode had officially ruined any such possibilities.

I had to wait in that disgusting place for another thirty minutes as Okey rushed to the hostel to help me get a change of clothes. When I emerged from the toilet at last, a lot of eyes were on me. I simply smiled. What else could I have done? Till date, I believe that day was the most embarrassing day of my life.

I had a similar experience about two years later but for time’s sake, I’ll talk about that in the next post. All in all, these experiences and those of a few other people I know have proved to me time and again that when shit hooks you, you have no choice but to surrender yourself to its whims and caprices. It practically becomes a god to you at that moment. It’s no wonder that Otunba Gaddafi of the renowned DMT Mobile toilets has his tagline as: ‘Shit business is serious business’. Trust me, that dude knows what he’s talking about.