Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I believe I would not be particularly mistaken when I say it is a fact that we all run into one form of trouble or the other from time to time in the course of our everyday lives. These little (or big) misfortunes vary in form – domestic (in the possible event of your parents catching you as a teenager kissing a girl/boy in your room), marital (in the possible event of your spouse stumbling on a ‘wrong’ text message in your inbox), academic (in the event of your getting on the bad side of an evil lecturer and having to face the consequences of ‘carry-overs’), professional (in the event of you having to face another query at work over a misconduct of some sort) and what have you. These troubles are numerous and we all face them from time to time. In fact, even our Lord, Jesus Christ had his share of troubles while on earth. Talk of the pressure from the Pharisees and Sadducees and other hypocrites who tried to frustrate His ministry. The fact remains however that troubles don’t last forever and as such, once such unpleasant situations hit their expiration time, a feeling of gratitude and calm somehow beclouds the troubled party. I am still yet to find that person who has a wish for unending troubles or feels sad once a bad phase in his or life comes to an end.

The end to our troubles of course prompts us to make a quick decision and that is a resolution never to find ourselves in such a situation ever again. We all make this promise to ourselves as a conscious or innate wish or a verbal affirmation. Whichever way it goes, we instantly repel the possibility of finding ourselves in the same troubled spot we just came out from. The sad fact however is that not everyone eventually gets this wish or promise fulfilled. Sooner or later, some find themselves back in that situation; getting caught yet again by your parents kissing another guy/girl in your room (after you had been giving the talk/beating of your life and then forgiven); forgetting to delete that romantic text message from your secretary and your wife seeing it yet again; having to write another carry-over course because you annoyed another lecturer yet again or having to pray you don’t get ‘fired’ this time as you prepare to face yet another query at work; etcetera etcetera. The fact remains that we all make resolutions and mean them as at the time we make them but somehow along the way, shit happens. Imagine the billions of New Year resolutions that are made every year and try to find out if the tiniest percentage of these resolutions actually see the sixth month of the year (Now, I am blushing. I have hardly kept any of mine this year. lol). Sorry about the long gist but trust me, it is part of the story.

I was eternally grateful the worst was over. It was the second week of December 2006 and as Christmas approached, I silently thanked God that I never had to spend that season still carrying the burden of BG’s pregnancy. It was over at last and I could never have been happier. My next point of call was to gather all the weight I had shed over the past month. I had indeed lost weight during the ordeal and I almost looked like a walking corpse. Being tall and slim had always felt sexy but in the space of six weeks I had moved from slim to ‘thin and ready to break’ as friends and foes alike voiced out their observations of my weight loss. I was glad BG and I were finally free but I still had my candid reservations. I was constantly hit by the ‘judge’ in my spirit man that I had murdered an unborn child. I never had dreams or nightmares and such sort but I could not hide from the fact that I had done an evil thing. I tried to justify my actions by telling myself that a sin was a sin, be it fornication, stealing or murder, it was all the same in the sight of God and all I had to do was ask Him for forgiveness. I even went to the point of convincing myself that I had not really committed murder. After all, it had just being a probably undeveloped six-week old foetus. As much as I tried to justify my actions, the guilty feeling persisted and then I realized I needed to find God again.

A week later, I was at the Redemption Camp with my family for the 2006 Holy Ghost Congress and it was a time of great refreshing. I did all the confession and promise-making I could do and by the time we left the Camp, I was sure I was totally forgiven. I decided it was time to become fully dedicated to God and truth is, I meant it with all my heart. The Christmas of 2006 was perhaps the most saintly period of my life and I was sure things would continue that way. I had decided it was best I focused on God and my studies and shun every other form of sinful indulgence and as far as I knew, that included BG. I did not hesitate to point out that fact to her when we spoke on phone during that holiday season and I was particularly glad she did not try to argue with me or challenge my decision.
“So, does that mean there is nothing between us anymore? BG had asked.
I caught the edginess in her tone but I was not at all willing to change my mind.
“We are still friends but nothing more,” I said after a little hesitation.

In between that brief hesitation, I tried to imagine how she would have been feeling. She had been a virgin until she met me. I had practically pressured her into giving me her virginity and she had gotten pregnant and we had gone through the worst ordeal possible. Then, we had scaled through and here I was telling her it was over. I instantly crushed the feeling of pity and consideration and stood my ground on the issue. I knew she could not point any accusing fingers at me for reasons that had always served as my alibi. First, the relationship had begun in a most unexpected manner as I never did ask her out. Secondly, I had wanted to sleep with her but the final choice had been hers in spite of her initial refusals and third, I had accepted responsibility for the pregnancy and stood by her all through the troubles and that alone would have made it practically impossible for her to accuse me of being wicked or unreasonable. As the last days of 2006 approached, I looked towards a wonderful and fulfilling New Year, devoid of all the previous troubles I had ever encountered and I made a resolution to devote myself totally to my academics, career pursuits and ultimately, God. Unknown to me, those resolutions were about to face the toughest test and if I could survive this test, I could survive anything. The big question however was if I would be able to face this test successfully.