EPISODE 50 – A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE

When I was much younger, I believed you only grow older when you mark your birthday. Thus, when my sixth birthday was not celebrated with a party, I assumed it meant I was still five years old. It took a little while before I adjusted to the reality of the fact that not every birthday must be marked in a big way. However, in our part of the world, certain birthdays are looked upon specially. For instance, your first birthday, your third, seventh, tenth, twelfth, eighteenth, twenty-first, twenty-fifth, seventy-fifth and all the

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birthday numbers in multiples of ten are usually celebrated. My brother turned thirty last month and didn’t even throw a party and I was like  . . . Really? Well, maybe I’m just being sentimental but I strongly believe in setting milestones, recording achievements and the need to celebrate or at least acknowledging the crossing of a particular landmark.

This post is very special to me because it marks the golden jubilee of ‘The Geebee Chronicles’ series. I consider it special because it is definitely different from doing fifty random blog posts. Writing a series based on 70% fact and 30% fiction could be especially difficult. I can confidently tell you that it takes a lot of courage, caution and determination to do this. I’m glad we are at this point and I can’t thank you all enough for being there. Really, what’s the point of doing a series if no one is going to read it? I really wouldn’t have loved to call names but I have to acknowledge the bloggers who’ve been a part of this series all this while.

To those who originally began this journey with me:

Aloted, Bumight, StandTall, Writefreak, Buttercup, Nefertiti, Kinshar, Solomon Sydelle, Jaguda, Wellsbaba, Rita, Uzezi, Simeone, Beauty, Original Mgbeke, Femi B, Yewande Atanda, Miss Definitely Maybe, Doug, Iwalewa, Aloofar etc. They are those I’d like to call ‘veterans’. They were my idols and made blogging practically become my life back then. Thanks for the tutelage and the love, uncles and aunties. Lol

To those who joined the series wagon along the way:

Olufunke, Myne Whitman, Qmoney, Tisha, Tommeh, Enkay, Chacha, Spicy, Danny Bagucci, Doll, Spesh, Mikey, Eddee (Where are you, bro?), BSNC, Mariaah, MPB etc. They joined the party and blended even though it was already in full swing, making me feel all the more determined to continue. You guys are awesome!

And those who joined the wagon more recently:

Atilola (my wonderful editor and close padi now. Lol), Toinlicious, Rhelow, Ibifiri Kamson, LohiO, Nafisat etc. They came in after I had taken a long hiatus and my blog was almost deserted. Lol. Still, they’ve been around. Thanks people. You guys are the best!

The list is far from exhaustive but those were the names I could recall. Of course a good number of them have jumped off the wagon and some have even quit blogging and I definitely miss them. Thanks y’all.

Lifting from Episode 24 which was a recap of the first twenty three episodes, I would again state that my motivation for starting the series was the fact that I had always wanted to do an autobiography someday and planned to start when I turned forty. However, the events that have occurred in my life since my eighteenth year have totally set me on an unplanned and unexpected course and while everyone has a story, I see mine as a pretty unique and could not resist the urge to share it. The original idea of my autobiography was to simply talk about my life and my previous forty years of existence (of course when I turned 40), achievements in the academic world and writing world among other things. Sincerely, that was the dream back then. However, life had something totally different in stock for me with experiences of all kinds – pleasant and unpleasant. Then I started blogging in 2008 as a twenty-three year old final year student of Economics in University and a father to a daughter who had just turned one.

My posts were mostly random and just straight from my heart and head. I wrote about anything – from football, family, school experiences etc. The idea of an autobiography was gradually slipping away because as it were, most of my earlier dreams were looking less likely to come true. I watched the first two seasons of Chris Rock’s ‘Everybody Hates Chris’ around that period as well and was impressed with the huge success of the comic television series where Rock gave an account of his life from 1982 when he was twelve years old. Then I thought, why not begin a literary version of my own story in the little way on this platform – blogging – and that was how the series was born. It was dated from 2003 and so far, four years have passed in the series. The last episode of the series was Episode 49 set in April 2007. Of course, like in ‘Everybody Hates Chris’, not everything you’ve been reading here is entirely true but assuredly, at least 70% of the story is true.

It has been awesome so far and sometimes I regret the breaks I had to take. Being a student then, I had examinations, final year projects and a lot of other distractions that often took my time. Then, getting out of school, job scouting, family minding and other issues also took its toll. Notwithstanding, it’s been a most rewarding experience. In the process of doing this series, I was nominated for blog awards in three categories in 2009 and one in 2010. Even though I did not win, no thanks to the ‘veterans’ I was nominated with (lol), it felt great to actually be considered for blog awards. In fact, I still include that as one of my career milestones in my official resume – Nominee, Nigeria Bloggers Award 2009 and 2010. Not bad, right? But yes, ‘Winner’ would definitely have sounded better. Well, half bread is better than none after all.

Sometime after I started, I decided I would turn the series into a book. Now, I’m thinking it would be a collection of three books. Work has begun in earnest on the first book anyway so please buy it when it drops o. Lol. Then, a television series or soap opera would definitely not be a bad idea too, so if you know anyone at MNet or other top international producers who might be interested, holla at me o! Seriously!

I have been asked on a number of occasions when the series would end. As at 2008 when it began, I thought the duration would be from 2003 till 2007 but truth is, so many events have unfolded in my life since then that I honestly don’t know when the series would end. My guess though is, it would stop on or before the year 2015 when I would turn thirty. However, I wouldn’t be able to say if it would run for that long on this blog. Lately, I’ve been itching to do some other things on this blog besides the series but not to worry; the books would tell you all you need to know. Remember, we still have about eight years (2007 – 2015) to go so you know it’s definitely far from over.

So that’s the little story behind ‘The Geebee Chronicles’ series. Hope you’ve been well acquainted so far. You can always update yourself by clicking HERE or on the ‘Series Episodes’ tab to access the full list of series episodes from start till date. I actually planned to continue the story from the last episode on this post but felt led to do something different. Mind me not; I just had to celebrate this milestone so please bear with me. Episode 51 is ready anyway and should hit you pretty soon.

SEE YOU IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES

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ANTONYMS OF A MIRAGE

Hey People,

In case you didn't know, my home girl and our very own Atilola has recently dropped a book that's definitely gonna set a new standard in the literary world for a long time to come (Well, until mine drops. Lol). Coincidentally, she's editing my book right now and trust me when I say she's doing one hell of a job on it. So, you can imagine what she's done on her own book. No flattery but she's the best writer and editor for miles so if you're looking for someone to do some magic on your book, you know where to turn. 


I just finished my copy of 'Antonyms of a Mirage' and in spite of how much I tried to 'mise' the book, I couldn't. It's a page-turner, trust me. 


I present to you Atilola Moronfolu's 'Antonyms of a Mirage'. Now, tell me the simple mention of that title alone hasn't blown your mind. 


Here's a preview from one of the stories in the book. 


A preview from ‘In My Pocket’

‘Goshe – A short form of Shokolokobangoshe

Scenario 2

Mummy Bobo: Olowo ori mi (owner of my head), how was that favourite food of yours that I made for you? I am sure you enjoyed it. I have come to tell you about Bobo, your son. He is about to write his SSCE exams. The other day, I heard my senior wife bragging to her cousin that kola, her son, made all his papers two years ago because he is hardworking and brilliant. She then said she is sure Bobo will do the opposite and fail woefully. Olowo ori mi, please, don't let my enemies laugh at me. I know you can help me get the exam questions on the eve of every exam paper. This is the only way Bobo will be able to prove her wrong and shut her mouth forever. Daddy Bobo, you always say you love me more than my senior wife and if you really mean that, you will not let her have the last laugh over me.

Chief Goshe: Woman! Woman!! Woman!!! I have always warned you about this Bobo of a boy, but you will never listen to me. You spoil him too much, I hope he won't be the source of your downfall in future. Anyway, I will give you what you request, after which he will go to the UK to start his foundation course. You better warn your son to buckle up now, because there is no way I will fly over to meet David Cameron to organize exam papers by the time he gets to the UK. A word is enough for the wise. For now, the exam questions are not a problem. I have the education sector IN MY POCKET!

Scenario 3

Oloyinbo: (Getting up from his two minutes prostration, which Chief Goshe acknowledged by massaging his head with the sole of his left foot, he then starts hailing loudly) Baba Goshe, Baba mi, you will live long, your enemies will not see their children. Anyone that says it will not be well with you, it won't be well with them too.
Baba mi, the time has come. I need your help seriously. It’s time for the councillor election for the local constituencies. As I told you last year, I intend to contest and since I have adopted you as my political father, who else will I run to but you? Baba Goshe, don't worry about my credentials. The minimum requirement is the SSCE result and I have already sorted that out with some boys and now have my results. All I need now is your backing and support. Baba mi, I am in your hand now o.

Chief Goshe: Oloyinbo, my nephew, see your mango head like that of my father. You want to run for councillor, hmm? I thought you were joking when you mentioned it last year. I hope you know the implications of what you are doing? The politics of our time is not for the lily-livered at all. You have to be on your toes at all times. Be ready to make friends and enemies, be ready to do anything to protect your political career and even your life from political detractors. It’s a dog eat dog world and make sure you are ready for all the consequences. You should have just accepted the business I offered to set up for you, but you youths of nowadays have been bitten by the get-rich-quick bug. Since you insist, I will help you. I will take you to a meeting tomorrow, where you will meet some powerful people. But know this one thing, you must not, in turn, bite the fingers of these powerful people, including mine, when you win. You will have to dance to their tunes. Otherwise, the ground will have no choice but to reject you.
After tomorrow, your victory is a done deal. Even if you don't contest, you have won! It’s a done deal, I have the electoral system IN MY POCKET!

Scenario 4
Sisi Peperempe: (After a steamy sex session) Honey boy, cookie crumble, sweetie, darling, sugar! I need your assistance o. You remember my youngest brother, Dodoyo, he's in Anti-graft commission’s custody. He was arrested last week
(Kissing his fat filled pot belly). They said he posed as a minister and defrauded some companies. You know the story of my family and how Dodoyo and I had to see ourselves through life by all means possible. He's the only family I have. We have gone through so much and he doesn't deserve jail time or to lose all he has worked for. (Pouting her lips, with permanent red lipstick on) Baby boo, you must help Dodoyo or else ehn...

Chief Goshe: Sisi Peperempe! C'mon, rest your little head. Why are you worrying yourself over nothing? I am disappointed in the way you keep worrying and emphasizing on this issue. After the three years of us playing this 'love game', you still worry about these little things. Before you start your rants again, don't worry I forgive you. I guarantee you that it is settled. Give me a maximum of two days, Dodoyo will get out of custody and all his frozen assets will be returned. Plus the anti-graft commission, plus the person that created the anti-graft commission, I have them all IN MY POCKET!

Scenario 5

Mr. Sinwonje: (Smacking his stomach during a meal of Suya and bottles of Lager beer at a popular elite club in Abuja) Chief Goshe, what are you going to do about this latest development now? I think Mr. President is serious about this power thing this time around o. If those Japanese people dare sign that contract of the electricity overhaul in this country, that line of business is over for me o, and you know that means you will also lose your regular cut. Hmm, Goshe, this is not good news at all. That is my major income-generating business and I use it to keep body and soul, Princess and Priscilla together. Imagine that this whole country, Nigeria, will not need generators or diesels to make their life easier. This is serious disaster. I will do anything to make it fail….

Read the rest of this and a lot more in your copy of Antonyms of a Mirage

Watch the trailer HERE


Buy ANTONYMS OF A MIRAGE on Amazon

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EPISODE 49 - COVERING MY TRACKS

Have you ever told a lie? Of course you have and claiming you have never told a lie right now has just added another feather to your cap of lies. LOL. Now, I’m not going to dwell on how many lies you have told or how many more you intend to tell but one thing that constantly leaves me wondering is the length we often go to cover our tracks when we lie. Mehn! It’s an entire ordeal on its own and usually, when we walk that road called ‘cover up’, we find ourselves wishing we had never told the lie in the first place. Sometimes, we create a maze or web of lies that we get lost or entangled in and practically believe our own lies. In a bid to impress a girl, I once told a lie that I had gone on dreadlocks for three months and had to cut it because I was going to take up an official appointment. Of course, she was impressed (ridiculous, right?) and somehow she told someone else who told someone else and before long, a good number of people believed I actually had dreadlocks at a time. At a point, I practically believed it too and had to remind myself on a few occasions that I never had dreadlocks at any time! Unfortunately, I’m still yet to let those people know they believed a lie and I hope they don’t read this post someday. On second thought, I wouldn’t mind as that would give me a chance to clear the air on the ‘dreadlock story’.

I have often wondered why the Ten Commandments say nothing about lying. 

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After all, we have ‘Thou shalt not steal’, kill, commit adultery, and all that but how come we do not have ‘Thou shalt not lie’ Maybe it’s not wrong to tell a little white lie after all, right? (Like there’s a black lie or green lie or lies in various colour shades). You might as well ask why it was not written that ‘Thou shalt not sneak into your girlfriend’s house at night when her parents are asleep’ or ‘Thou shalt not visit a brothel to sleep with prostitutes’ and all the other vices you can imagine. The fact is, we all know the difference between right and wrong and it is definitely wrong to lie. Perhaps one of the punishments we often get for lying is the ordeal we have to go through while trying to cover it up and the unfortunate event of getting caught sometimes. 

As I sat in a bus on my way from the bank to the cybercafé, a myriad of thoughts ran through my mind. Had I just lost three hundred dollars? It was particularly ridiculous considering the fact that I had not even laid hands on this money yet. I experienced a trance of some sort as two entities conversed in my head.

“Come on, you really didn’t lose the money. After all, it was not yet yours,” the first person I would like to call Geebaba pointed out.

“But it was already sent to you?” the second person, Geebizles countered. “All you had to do was collect it so it was yours already. You lost it.”

“Okay, let’s face it,” Geebaba said, “It was illegal money anyway so you can just brush the dirt of your shoulders and move on.”

Geebaba’s words made sense to me. True, I was actually swindling Miles Peck of his hard earned money so maybe it was best I let it go without any hassles.

“Rubbish!” Geebizles countered. “How would you let three hundred dollars go? That’s about thirty six thousand naira; an amount you could only possibly make in three months!”

“Come on, Geebizles” Geebaba said, “Don’t poison his mind!”

“Oh shut up Geebaba! You want him to throw away his investment just like that?”

“Investment? What investment?” Geebaba queried.

I wondered too. What investment was Geebizles talking about?

“The amount spent on his cybercafé airtime and the hours he has spent building an all-too-willing maga in Miles Peck!” Geebizles clarified.

“Oh, ok. You have a point there,” Geebaba agreed eventually. “He shouldn’t throw it all away just like that although I still have my reservations.”

“Better keep them to yourself, brother!” Geebizles snapped.

And that was the end of the conversation. I looked up and realized I was close to my bus stop.

I settled in a comfortable corner in the cybercafé and when I went online, none of my magas were available for a chat. I was not surprised anyway. It was barely two p.m and the eight hour time difference meant it was about six a.m in North America. I read offline messages from each of them. Miles Peck had asked if I had collected the money. Dean Flank had written that he was dying to chat with me again and hoped I could get a laptop soon with the money he would send so we would be able to chat at anytime. Luke Pine had written that he would be coming to Ghana for a medical conference the next month and would be glad if we could meet there or perhaps he could squeeze out time to come down to Nigeria briefly. He hoped we could chat about this later. He added that he had not forgotten about the money he was to send me to get my international passport and he would send it before the close of day. The last message hit me like a bag of bricks. Close of day? I looked at the time he had sent the message and confirmed he sent it at 7.41a.m. That would mean 11.41pm on the previous day in North America. I prayed ‘close of day’ meant the present day and that he had not already sent the money. If he had, I would have a heart attack!

I was still contemplating how to explain to Dean and Luke not to send me any money using my name without making them suspicious when my phone rang. It was my classmate, Nuel.

“Hey Nuel, what’s up? I said as I received the call.

“I’m good bro. Where are you at? I’m coming to your place.”

Just then, an idea occurred to me. It was as though a light bulb suddenly got turned on in my head. It was an Eureka moment. Why had I not thought of this earlier? I wondered. It all sounded so easy.

“Nuel, you have a valid drivers’ license, right?

“Yeah,” my friend answered. “What’s that got to do with anything? Are you home?”

“Look, I need you to come meet me right away. I’ll explain when we see.”

I had suddenly recalled what the banker at the Western Union stand had suggested about getting someone with any of the three acceptable IDs to receive the money. Somehow I had been too grief-stricken to focus on the idea. Nuel had a valid ID and could easily help me collect whatever Dean and Luke were going to send. I heaved a deep sigh of relief.

Getting Nuel in on the plan was pretty easy. I was glad he didn’t try to preach to me or dissuade me from the act.

“Hope you’re not scared, bro?” I asked in a bid to know for certain he was in.

“Scared? What for? I have like three friends doing this stuff now. In fact, I’ll join you guys in this business soon. I wouldn’t mind making some easy dollars too.”

I smiled. I knew I would have to give Nuel a cut out of the cash but I really wasn’t bothered. How much could he ask for anyway? I thought for a second if he wouldn’t try to swindle me but waved the thought off immediately. He wouldn’t dare. If he did, I’d teach him a lesson of his life. Besides, he could see that I had someone like Presido as my mentor in the business and Presido  hardly seemed like someone anyone would try to mess with. I typed away in most convincing way I could reminding my magas that I had just my work ID which was unacceptable for claiming international money transfers in my country so they would have to send the money using my cousin’s name pending the time I was able to get mine. I filled in Nuel’s details and sent the email to Dean Flank and Luke Pine.

I thought about the three hundred dollars trapped in space and Miles Peck’s message requesting to know if I had collected the money. I couldn’t risk losing the money but I wondered if my delay wasn’t a risk in itself. After thinking for a considerable period, I decided to come out open and let Miles know what was happening. I sent him a message that I had tried to cash the money but couldn’t because my work ID wasn’t accepted. I left the message at that and did not bother asking him to resend it. I had a good feeling he would try to suggest an alternative. The guy was in love with me after all. My assumptions proved right and when we chatted that evening he told me how sorry he was about my not being able to get the money. I chuckled.

“AY, do you know anybody you trust that has a valid ID?” he asked.

I felt like break dancing. It was either I was a damn good prophet or this guy was just so predictable.

“I don’t want you to go through any trouble sending me money, Miles” I declined.

“AY I love you and I want to go through the trouble, okay,” he said stubbornly.

I refused to type anything for almost three minutes.

“Are you there?” he asked.

I didn’t respond.

“AY, please talk to me.”

I waited for another two minutes until I was sure his heart was about to blow up.

“Yes I am here.”

“Why are you not talking to me?” he said.

“You just said you love me?” I wrote.

“Yes, I do, AY.”

We went totally romantic for another one hour and I sold him stories of how I had been dumped by the first and only man I ever loved and how I was afraid to love again. He told me stories about his first and second wives and the tough divorces he had to go through. For the first time, I truly felt so close to Miles Peck and I wished I was really the model in the picture. On his insistence, I sent him Nuel’s details and he promised to retrieve the money he had already sent and resend to the new contact. I left the café that day at almost twelve midnight. It was a most eventful ten hours.

By the weekend, I had gotten three hundred dollars from Miles Peck, two hundred dollars from Dean Plank and two hundred and eighty dollars from Luke Pine. In my first week as a Yahoo-Yahoo boy, I had made almost eight hundred dollars! That was almost a hundred thousand naira at an exchange rate of N120 to a dollar in April 2007. Nuel proved to be a worthy partner but at a rather tough expense. I coughed out almost ten thousand naira in total for all three transactions and I knew I couldn’t keep using him. I had to get an alternative, a beautiful female preferably, one whose face I could actually use for future purposes and for prospective magas. I thought of using BG but realized her pregnancy would make it difficult for her to get active in the field if need be. I decided to discuss with BG’s sister, Cher.

SEE YOU IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES

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